A little recap on life.

Lets get this straight--

Being in college has to be the greatest thing going for me right now. I cannot say anything negative about it... even my early schedule is okay. Right now, drama is a very small thing, its not something i really have time to worry about. But, i recently learned that one of my friends has the same emotional attraction to this guy, as i do. Point blank, i like the guy a lot, and so does she. It was actually really weird how i found this out, but i dont hold her accountable.

It actually was told to me, when she pulled me aside and asked me to help her "catch" the guy. Of course i told her, i couldnt do that--and it didnt feel right because of my attration toward him. Of course she understood, and yet i still think that she holds it against me. The thing is i know how she is about guys, not saying she is a whore or anything, because i dont believe she is. It's just that i think she doesnt actually feel serious for someone. I also think that she might believe i am too slow in my method of trying to attract him towards me, but i am a very traditional girl. Which may be my own fault at some times in my life. But nonetheless, I always try to maintain a positive friendship with someone of the opposite sex first,before i try and up the levels a bit. (if you know what i mean).

But, what is weird, is that i am still not sure if it is actual love i feel. So as for now i am calling it an 'attraction'. But that still doesnt even justify my feelings correctly in words. I know that when he is with me, i get butterflies.. i shake a bit, and i fidget. But he makes me so happy, as if everything is fine. (well, if he isnt picking on me then all is well.) We joke about everything, yet when something serious happens --he knows exactly what to say to me.. even if he says nothing at all. With him i feel like i dont have to put up a front, act like i have to be something that i truly am not. As, if he doesnt care. But all i know is that, even though i will beat myself up in the future if i take the safe route throughout this whole thing, its just that--i would rather have it never change, than have him never utter a word to me ever again. So for now, our friendship will remain a friendship.

My roommates believe otherwise, they think that i should put everything on the line, for a feeling. An urge. When truthfully its your mind releasing different chemicals inside your brain to make you feel the way you do. Love? Attraction? Enzymes? No one knows, but how can i base what could be an amazing time in my life, with a simple chemical reaction that could happen with anyone else?!

But one of my roommates, Sofia... who i love dearly, said that maybe i feel this way, and block all this out simply because of my negative experiences with love. What she said, cut a deep wound in my ego, which still may need stitches.. but it made sense. Ever since 'TheOne' I havent went into any other possible relationships, or even allow myself to try again. And, as depressing as it may sound -- that was most likely the cause of me NOT being a romantic.

So those two senarios are mainly what is buzzing through my head, also with the minor fact that i have a japanese quiz on monday... But that's besides the point.

[My beloved...It's all right, you're not lonely, now
Just when you're lonely, I'm lonely too?]

itoshii hito ~ Miyavi-sama